Most people think these are 5 signs of chemistry—but they’re actually ‘red flags’

As a clinical psychologist, I have to do often Alert clients to check out the spark they feel for a new romantic possibility.

You want to be excited about someone new and feel a deep connection with them. But many of us carry old wounds from our childhood, past relationships, or formative experiences.

If your past was messy, inconsistent, and confusing, you may be drawn to the same relationship dynamics over and over again. Here are five signs that what you think is chemistry may actually be a red flag.

In your past, if someone made you feel loved but also anxious, your nervous system learned that it’s okay to love and be afraid of the same person.

Mixed signals, hot and cold affection, and incompatibility can then create intimacy rather than anxiety. Excitement and anxiety are interconnected emotions, so you feel stressed, but mistake this feeling for excitement and chemistry.

What to do: Slow down and notice how your body feels around this person. Does your nervous system settle down when you’re around them or are you always stressed? If it’s the latter, it could be a sign that the feeling you have isn’t chemistry, and this person makes you feel insecure.

The emotional ups and downs when someone moves away and the relief when they get close again can feel like a spark, especially if relationship dynamics were like this in your past.

When you’re stressed, your body releases hormones like cortisol, which activate reward and addiction pathways in your brain.

As a result, you may unconsciously pursue that stress, conflict, unpredictability, and intensity because it gives your body the dose of feel-good chemicals it craves.

What to do: Your body needs to learn how to slow down and feel safe again. This could look like stretching, breathing, meditation, nature walks, and reducing your workload.

Being attracted to someone doesn’t always mean that the chemistry is good. You may be unconsciously trying to gain control over an old wound by reliving the pain.

You are confident that you can get it right this time. You may also recreate painful dynamics that reflect your past because you can predict what will happen, and this gives you a false sense of control.

What to do: Introspection is important here. Does this person remind you of anything from your past? Therapy can provide a safe place for you to open up about your history.

When your partner is jealous, it can feel like someone “wants” them. If it sounds exciting when your partner is jealous, it’s not chemistry – it’s your insecurity rearing its head.

You may even do things intentionally to provoke their jealousy in order to feel closer to them or to “prove” to you that you love them. In your mind, it might sound like, “If they choose me, I’m finally good enough,” or, “If they pursue me, it means they love me enough.”

What to do: Work on yourself so that your validation comes from within, not from other people. Remember who you are outside the context of this relationship, and that you are already more than enough.

The stable connection should feel grounding and secure. But if your nervous system is accustomed to chaos, peace can feel boring and even uncomfortable.

You may find yourself thinking there is no spark, and then chasing the next adventure by creating tension, starting conflict, or even leaving the relationship. If you feel safe, and you’re not used to it, your mind may think, “If I feel safe, I’ll be careful but then I’ll get hurt.”

Lack of spark doesn’t mean there isn’t chemistry. This may mean there is no need to worry.

What to do: Teach your body that it’s okay to feel calm. When you feel like creating conflict or chasing adventure, stop and pay attention. Then practice acting against your urges and wait for them to pass.

Paying attention to patterns in your relationships is a great first step. Of course, you should always consult your doctor or therapist before making significant changes. Understanding how to slow down and process your past can help you re-learn what safety and stability feel like.

Dr. Amy Tran Is a clinical psychologist. Her PhD in child and adolescent psychology informs her work on attachment, relationships, and emotional security. She is a digital artist and writer”This book is a safe place.“Follow him Instagram,

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